Double Entendres from a 5 year old

I usually pat/pinch/squeeze/tickle and or generally annoy and tease my daughter while we snuggle. Laying in bed watching Peppa Pig,  and she suddenly turns and says, "Spank me. Not too hard, and not to soft." Pointing her little finger threateningly in my face. As I think about how to respond to my new found Goldielocks of BDSM, I mentally decide that during teenage years, I might not want to be the "cool" mom that she can say anything to. Might want to keep some of that shit to yourself. Oh, I can't adult today. I about lost it.

The Hazards of Winter

I've been dieting on and off (for maybe the past 15 years.) Recently we are having an "on" again relationship. And apparently just in time. I was sprawled across the bed with my fiancé Sam next to me when my daughter came in, most likely to plead her case for sleeping downstairs instead of in her bed. As is customary at least twice a night. She stopped when she saw me in my yoga shorts. Now it's just getting warmer and to be fair, my thighs are quite shocking after being holed up in the safety and comfort of winter layers. She came over and began to slap the top of my pasty appendages and said, "Mom, your legs are FAT!" I told her that I was fully aware that a majority of myself fell into that category. Then I get the sideways look of disapproval from Sam. You know the one. The pursed lips with the face that says "oh don't say that!" while the mind thinks "Meh. They've got a point." She repeats herself while playing a rhythm on my legs. Sam pipes up at this point and tells her that isn't nice and to stop. Misunderstanding, she turns to me, "No, this doesn't hurt. (Smacks a little harder) Does it mom?"
"No honey. I'm dead inside."
(Smiling triumphantly) "See? I TOLD you. "

This is me.

Well, here it is. My first post. I'm sure you're wondering why you should choose to follow me; what's so special about ME? Well, I'm not sure. Other than the universe seems to enjoy joking with me on a regular basis. And most of my life should be a FOX script of some sort. Picture it- my house- two days ago (thanks Sophia.) I had just gotten home from a TRX workout and my legs felt like jello. I went into the bathroom and sat on the toilet, and silently thought to myself that there was no way I could get up. I was tired and cranky and full of self doubt from a less than stellar workout. But when you need proven wrong- just put it out into the universe. She'll help you out. In this instance, she sent a maybe a half inch GIANT, black, hairy and surprisingly fast spider to come caterwauling over the side of my sink cabinet, presumably to attack my phone as I set it down. I shrieked loud enough to send my "vicious" pit bulls running for the hills (thanks for protecting me, ladies) and low and behold was able to immediately fling myself into the upright position. While I piddled on my leg. And the spider disappeared along his merry way, probably going to help another hapless soul who had self doubt on their locomotive abilities.  So I stood there frozen for a minute, and contemplated what to do. And then I laughed. There was nothing else I could do. I was in the middle of a horrible day, with a horrible mindset, and now I'm screaming in the bathroom with my slightly damp pants at my ankles. I laughed so long and hard that the dogs came back to peer at me around the corner and try to judge my sanity. Not that there's really any left.

So there you have it. Why follow me? Because you know you want to.